7 months had passed us in a blink of an eye. I will never forget what I've gained in the past 7 months with you. My life is nothing without you. I seriously at times thought of not living but for a second I thought back I've got you to live for and I must not leave you alone. But here it is, I could not keep onto my words. I failed as always. I just wish I could follow you there. Well, life is where disappointment lays the most. Well, today it’s 28 February 2011 and I’m starting this letter which I hope will tell you the story of my life with you. Just so you know, I never cried for any girls before cause for I’ve thought that they’re not worth my tears. You came into my life and changed everything upside down and inside out. For once in my life I cried for a girl. The girl I cried for is now reading this very text before her eyes on her last moment before leaving town. You submitted your application on the 27th and that’s the moment I lost my sense of direction. I pretended I was happy but I’m actually never the moment I saw the screenshot. It’ll be selfish if I were to stop you from what you’re wanting wouldn’t it? I kept it to myself though living my life a lie as I had always done it before knowing you. I’ve been doing for the past 16 years it shouldn’t be hard for me to continue wouldn’t it? Though my first kiss to you was not perfect but I’d hope you will remember it while you’re gone. It’s the 2nd day I’m crying since you submitted and I doubt I’ll stop till the final result of your university placing. I’d just hope you’ll remember our promise of building a family of our own. The promise is nailed deep into my heart and I do not wish to see it broken. I’m really sorry if this letter makes you sad but it’s just my way of confessing my deep love and feelings to you before your last day in town. I want you to know how much I want our relationship to last and my 100% loyalty to you. I skipped lunch today cause still I don’t know what my aim is now. At times I feel like telling you to please don’t go...On second thought, I’d thought myself of being selfish by doing so. Had a talk with my mum about the jobs I’d like to work and the course appropriate. Again was stunned staring blankly thinking about you far away. Seriously , its not the distance I’m worried about...its about how we’ll be interacting, how will your safety be, how will your socializing life turn out to be, how you’d ward off all the pervert guys there. I’m seriously worried you’d be so busy with your life and projects that I’d hardly see you again. You’re just so gorgeous I’m afraid tonnes of guys will come rushing for you. I don’t want any risk even 1% of losing you. I’m just too afraid of losing you. Guess I’m gonna skip my dinner this time writing this. Losing you is the biggest lost I’d ever encounter compared to the mere dinner. I’m sure by now you’d be asking yourself, why didn’t he tell me to not go?! Well, I did it this late so you cant change your decision last minute wherelse at the same time I get to confess what I’ve been thinking . I felt that your future is even more important than keeping you to myself . Now, that’s pure selfish if I did it. I cant stop staring at your photo which I took on our second date. The more I stare the more i’m afraid guys will come for you. I’m just so afraid....really afraid. Its 7.24pm of 28 February . Just finished bathing and I crossed through a facebook profile of my friend studying in Sarawak. I had the sudden urge to google every college and university available. I found this curtin college of technology but sadly...Its the far end of Sarawak from the one you are pursuing . Nearest to you will be Inti Sarawak. The question now, my will mum ever agree? The worst part is I have to enrol to college earlier even before your placing result is announced. What if I enrolled to Sarawak but you got UPM? All i wish was to be near you where we could AT LEAST spend time having a lunch or maybe dinner every weekends. It’ll be much better compared seeing almost none a year. Its raining heavily and you’re now working . Every moment i couldn’t wait to read text messages from you. Its the least I could get from you every day which makes me happy. I guess I’m totally and seriously in love with you. I hope you’d feel the same . And i meant it forever and not just the day before you leave. I do hope you’d be happy as always I wanted you to be. I want you to be happy taking your vacation away from town and enjoy life there. But do take good care of yourself. Lots of kidnapping and rape case are on the rise especially in those rural areas. I promise you I’ll never stop worrying till you’re back home safely every year. Your safety home and love for me is all I’ll pray for everyday from today onwards right till you leave and till you’re back home after fully completing your course.
Its 12.00 am of 1st March. Happy 2nd Monthversarry babe . I’m really sorry I had to lie to you and deleted some of the sentences in the letter. The one i send to you was actually edited . I cant bare to see you change the university placing just because I wanted you too. I made you cried again when u read the letter. I guess i made u cried numerous times already. I’m just a bad husband huh? All I’d ever do was the best for you . I never cheated u and I never will. Woke up at 9 everyday and sleeping at almost 3 am. I am always there for you. Its 1.40 pm on the 1st of March. I’ve been calling colleges and universities searching for foundation programmes as I promised you. I’ll try my best not to go Form 6. So far I only one I can find is Aimst. Although I know all the local universities are for STPM students but I was foolish enough to try searching for foundation in UPM and even UKM. =S I don’t know why I even tried searching. Love made me go to that distance just to be with you. I seriously don’t know what colleges are left to find and its 5pm already. I’m just so lifeless without you. Ate my dinner and waiting for your messages as always. Perhaps I’m just so lazy I couldn’t find a job. Even sleeping your pads are already causing u pain. Now you’re even teaching and walking which makes me much more worried. I wish I could take the pain for you. I want to give the best I could for you. Everytime I crossed through the word UNIMAS I get anxious and sad. I don’t want to tell you this yet until at least the april 5th when you cant change it. Well my results failed me totally. My hope and wishes to follow you wherever you go is now destroyed.I don’t wanna live my life alone if any disaster would occur. Most importantly I don’t want you to be alone if anything happens. What if Tsunami strikes? I don’t even get my last chance to meet you? To tell to your face how much I love you? To hug you till death do us apart? Be your floating object to keep you alive? I want to be the one dying first before you knowing that it’ll pointless for me to survive without you. My heart and soul is just you and you. No one else can take over you in my heart. The reason I don’t wanna show you my letter is because you’ll promise and make sure everything will be fine. This is because you’re happy right now. If you were to read on the sadness day leaving apart...that is the day you’d really feel and truly promise deep down your heart. A real touch of heart to the promise we’d do in the future. I really love you with all my heart. At times I feel asleep at night, I felt myself really useless and not being there when you needed me most in the cold winter night. I really cant forgive myself at times. I want to be your perfect husband to take care of you and be there whenever you need me. In this world, I never trust any guys even if its even your cousin or relative. I dont feel secure seeing you with any guys. Its just my way of concerning but I always tried to keep it to myself. I neeed to trust you and not make you sad.. I don’t mean to hurt but just to put you first. I will never tell you lie and I’ll stand accused with my hand on my heart I’m just trying to say I’m sorry. Its all I can say that you mean so much that all I’ve done is for you. If i could start again, I’d throw it all away to the shadows of regret so you’ll have the best of me. I get jealous easily. I’m being so freakin selfish that I want all of your just for myself. Just like how selfish I’m hoping you wouldn’t get to UNIMAS. I’m sorry...Its all I can say. It hurts when I made u sad all along. I just wanna make u happy and proud. I’m never gonna be good enough for you and pretend I’m alright. I lost it all and I don’t wanna lose you this time.. I’m really sorry I cant be perfect while you’re giving me full perfection. I tried not to think the pain I caused you. Its my conscious mind that kept reminding me what I’ve done.Even when you were sad on the cheque that you were cheated on, but I was just not there to assure you everything is gonna be alright or to keep you happy. This world doesn’t matter to me. I’ll give up anything just for you. Most of the time I'm very worried alot of guys would like you. Even I passed my driving license was also because of you. . I didn’t even put my eyes on a girl . I kept looking at my phone to see if there’s any messages. I managed to get through everything is because of your inspiration of good luck to me. While I was driving all I had in mind was you . I tried my very best for I know I need to get my license for you. I could drive you to work when your parents are busy. I’m doing all the best I could for you. I’m trying to fulfil all of your wishes. I want to make your life perfect. I was happy you’re concern about me when it was raining. You’re concern how conditions would turn ugly during the drive in the rain. But with your bless of love. The rain stopped when it was my turn. I drove smoothly than ever. I never drove like this during my lessons. When I passed the first person I texted and to knew it was you. Even my mum didn’t know it. Not even my instructor. I got down the car I took out my phone and texted you.You're so much important to me everything I did I always put you first.
When I first took my chance to get a job in popular, I came back I got real sad. I was disappointed I made decision without consoling you. I didnt thought I'd make you sad that night. I knew I had to go out with out one last day before I start working. That night we were very happy to have a good time on our own to mid valley the next
day. Although sleeping real late that night we were so energetic having each other . We had a long walk and fun especially seeing you happy watching the movie you've long awaited though there's no couple seat. Not sure if you noticed in the train coming home, I hugged you so close to me its because I dont want any other guys to come in contact with you. I'm just selfish to keep you to myself. I;m sorry our happiness didnt last that night for making you sad about the SD card which could not be pulled out. As always I'm a mood spoiler. The next day I figured out that I needed you more in my life than that job. Well, I just quitted it for you as i know none of us would be happy if I were to work there. You were out having breakfast with your family and I’m missing you just so damn badly. You returned home and took your nap which puzzles me into deep thought that day. I napped together with you as i promised but just to wake up to know that you vomited. I felt so guilty to have brought you and suffocate together with me on the train. I just couldn’t protect you enough. I hold you too tightly to myself till I made sure you made no contact with anyone else. You’re teaching tuition in this condition afterall which made me even feel guilty. Every moments of my webbie with you is my happiest moment of my day. Everytime you're at work I feel so empty without you. But still its life I gotta get through. It was such a surprise your mum allowed me to come to your house tomorrow when there’s NOBODY home except you and me. I was really over the moon wondering what we’d do instead of doing your lappy. At 1.30 am, I don’t know what I did till you said I cheated you. I seriously cant remember the jogathon month babe but I SWEAR I REMEMBER its you. Its nobodyelse I saw in my life other than you. I was sad that you said I cheated you and nights to me outta no where. I know you’re mad and angry but I don’t know why. It took me so hard to get to sleep but I managed too . I really love you babe, I never cheated and will never do so to you. I love you and its only you this lifetime and even my next. On the 8th of March,woke up at 7.30 preparing to go to your house. I pretended nothing has happen 5 hours ago. I don’t wanna see you sad especially you’re right infront of me. Had a quick bath and dressed myself. Left home at 8.30 and started walking to your house at around 8.45. I thought I’d see you smile but you looks were so tired and sleepy. I even asked you question but you didn’t wanna answer and ask me to get inside first. I knew you’re still sad and angry. I got in and started unpacking my wifi and connected it. Then you’re going up to get some stuffs and to my VERY big surprise, you asked if I want to accompany you. No need furthur explanation what happened next. It’s the day we made a true promise we belong to each other. Then you’re in a bath and myself sending songs to you till my mum came. Had our lovely family <3 lunch at Min Kok and send you off to work. Here I am being a lifeless person without you again . SInce I got my driving license I've not drove anywhere. I did promised you before to practice driving to impress my mum so that I can drive you to work. So i drove all the way to KL that day. Had a stroll at bangsar walk and found a job vacancy in Haagen Daaz . I was so desperate looking jobs which comes in 2 to work together with you but they're out of application form. It was till I received a heartbreaking message saying not to bother you and continue with my job ALONE. I dont even know if I can even last an hour working without you. I'm willing to put that freakin job down just to have you. I can give up anything just for you for my world has tumble upon me long ago. You're my new world I needed to live through. I can feel the sadness in you when I talked about jobs. Can't you feel how much I needed you. I wanted you to be selfish to have me only. I wanted you to be happy every second. I dont care bout that freaking jobs anymore. I'm not gonna freaking pick it up even if they called but luckily they did not. . What's even worst when you said I dont want you. You still don't know how much I need you in my life. How much I love you to not let you go. I still cant have your believe in my real love for you. I guess only time...not just ordinary time. Really long time to let you know I'm willing to wait and Love you forever that my heart is really true for you. I was so sad and showed my freaking anger to my mum's friend who keeps bothering me having a bloody important conversation with you which could turned out to be a big arguement. Can't you just see how important you are to me. Even my mum pleaded me to stay a night in KL and I refused. I told her I'm gonna drive back alone tonight even if I had too. I knew my mum was quite mad at me already but I dont care. I care about you more than anything else. I drove back home at 110km/h on the highway. My heart was tearing apart thinking back about the message I've received. I've made the person I love so much angry and mad at me. I've made my freaking decision to not work AT ALL. I cant afford to lose you at all. All I ever prayed for is your safety and happiness everynight before and after sleep. I even drove all the way back without dinner and requested maggi mee. As long I can be with you, food and condition is nothing compared to who I am with.I've dropped everything just to make sure you're happy...I really wish you could live your life happily . You deserve the best of the best. I just wanna be with you and protect your happy life which you once had before. My only job I have is to keep you happy till death do us apart.
Japan got stucked by a Tsunami 8.9 earthquake. Its pretty sad to see people dying there. But I felt my instant cold death of my heart each time I made you sad. I know no matter what I can never stop loving you.When my mum was saying I get another girl in college and forget you...You just wouldn’t know how pain it is to hear it. She's just too phobia reading all the broken hearted teenagers suiciding and worried if I'll be the next one. What’s even worst when you said you’re gonna donate blood. I seriously don’t want you to go...you’re having a bad headache and you need blood. What’s worst I don’t know why deep in me I DONT WANT YOU TO GO AT ALL. I’m unsure if I’m afraid to lose you to the society or even afraid of you to mix with people or even others to stare and take opportunity on you. I’m really ultimately confused. I’m starting to control you so badly. I’m so afraid to lose u. I don’t want to even take a risk. Not even 1% I’m letting it to go. My heart was strucked worst then tsunami when you’re sad especially if I’m the reason. Time's running out. Hours after hours, Days after days. I have to take the fact you’ve gotta study soon. Passed through my friend's photo album about her partying with the big crowd of people in college. I'm sure every college or universities would organize one. I'm now so afraid of you joining this wild kind of party. I'm not asking you to not go to any party, but I'm really worried of your safety. Big crowd disco like system is the kind of party i'm afraid of. You're so gorgeous till I'm afraid so many guys would take opportunity on you. Taking photos with random people during that night. Hugging and dancing with course mates. I’m afraid you’ll turn wild too in that atmosphere. I'm becoming more and more jealous of people as day passes by. I don’t want to control you , but neither do I know how to express to you how much I wanted you to beware of all these circumstances . There's surely to be a prom night and obviously guys would come asking you to be their date . In those dark conditions anything could happen or even drugged you to bed. It’s really scary as my thinking goes deeper and deeper on all possibilities and the outcome of it. It’s even worst when you like to wear shorts where it’s easier to take advantage on. With all the alcoholic drinks and beers even its against your will but you will have no conscious of it...I really don’t know what would I do for the 3 years without you on my watch. I know you'd be thinking the same of me. But I’ve got my mind set. I'm not joining any night or party. I'm a lonely type person. That's why I needed you so much and no one else. Its blood donation today and . I just saw Sean Tan’s status about donating blood which drives me googling about the quantity of blood....A packet. A freaking packet ~400ml. . I’m just 80% selfish and 20% worried. I don’t want you to share your blood with anyone but I can do nothing to show how much I don’t want you to go. I just don’t want to control you and hoping you’d understand me and feel how much I want you to not go. I just cant do anything to stop you. I’ll let fate decide for you tomorrow if you’re going. I’ll just sit , dream, and worry. For all I know, I love you still no matter what. Time is getting closer to your universities. Its just another routine for me to worry one after another. Everytime I come across the word universities while reading newspaper It breaks my heart again seeing the word IPTA and the list of Universities on the papers stab my heart one after another.I was hoping telepathy would help. I was hoping you understood how much I wanted you to study not across the sea. I've been selfish for blood donation I CANNOT be selfish for your dream. What's worst you taking mass communication. You'd be socializing with so many others. I know its the nature of your job but I was hoping you could take science course. I'm really deep down depressed for the past few months. First, your health.Second , your wants for blood donation. Third, University placing. Fourth, the nature of your job. I'm so bloody stressed to even think of it. My imagination could imagine how we'd become if you're in Sarawak..Meeting every year only ONCE is so hard for me to accept. Why cant the freakin government allow only 4 choices then the freaking 8. I dont want us to break up. I want you to be first and my only one. I want to hold hand in hand with yours. I want to be with you till deathbed arrives. I pray to god everyday to keep you with me . I pray everyday you wouldn't have to go to Sarawak. I DONT WANT YOU TO CROSS THE SEA. I really have been putting tears everytime I think about this topic. I just wanna curse life so badly. I promise you my heart means I really mean it. IF I EVER cheat on you, I'd be thunderstrucked to death immediately. I dont need a second chance, cause I've got my best chance given and I didnt appreciate. I should just be dead if i ever cheated on you. I pray seriously you wont have to go Sarawak. Please let me to be with you. You've finally made up your mind to not go for the blood donation and I appreciate your kind understanding babe.
Each time I see the word Mass communication I get sad and very very worried.I’m so afraid of you to socialize . I’m so afraid you’ll fall for other guys. Its not I don’t trust you but its just worried and jealousy at times if you were to have a public relationship with people especially guys. I just wish I can be in your shoes to feel like how I can feel my 100% sure love to you. You’ve been studying science subject , I really hope you’d be taking science at least. Why arts where you’ve wasted your time studying science so hard. I want my beloved sweetheart to get into course which involves least communication. But now you’ve submitted your form its too late to change. I’d just have to sit,wait and worry about you and your heart. Its really terribly hard missing someone especially your job is regarding public. So many people are now desperate even ugly ones they’re taking rather just for the purpose of sex. How much more can I worry when you’re so gorgeous and cute at the same time which could really really attract alot of guys. Its not because you’re with me and I’m calling you pretty. I’m talking general facts as a friend or even stranger, you’re really gorgeous. What’s more when you’re my lover which made you the prettiest I’ve seen. I’m not that kind of desperate person for the purpose of sex. I’m seriously loving you and even if wont give me sex, I’ll be happy even to keep you beside me and love you always. I always feel like crying deep inside me seeing and waiting for you to start the course. I cant take the risk at all. I should have advised you to take science subject. All my fault. Screw myself for not being serious when you ask. I kept saying its your choice and now I’m regretting badly. Life is always a screw up. I’ve gotta wait till fate binds us together one day if we managed to make it. Even if you can secure yourself to me , but somehow somewhere inside me I wont feel secure. I sincerely love you and no one else I can love more than you.People work and feeling tends to appear. I really trust you my dear. But I don’t know why deep down inside me I’m worried. I cant afford to lose. I don’t want anyone else except you. Till you said you don’t mind me breaking your wall even before entering uni I felt a little sense of secure but I know we cant do it. Although by doing so i feel secure but still no point just to satisfy my worryness and you being unhappy about it. Furthurmore, its a point of no return if you do so. You’ll be stuck forever with me which I was hoping for but I’m afraid you’ll regret it. Even I’ve kept my promise to break it after marriage. Just let my sense of insecure be it and let me worry just as long you’re happy. Occasionally for the whole 2 hours I couldn’t even get your attention for barely one minute during our webbie.. I felt so sad facebook , tumblr got more attention than me. I wished to tell you how much I want your attention. But I felt I’m being selfish again. I’m being too over controlling you i guess. I gotta let go and let time pass and decide fate. I cant force. I cant beg. You don’t have to worry. I’m not gonna break your wall till our marriage. I want you to be happy. Mum took you to clinic and I’m waiting here again. Its like barely you even look at me. Its me the one staring at you non stop from the start of the webbie. I love you babe..I seriously love you. I want you so much. We’ve been at home for the whole day. I cant really seem to guess what you’re so busy about till I cant even get your attention. Usually when you work , I understand that at night you need to check your facebook and stuffs....but today I’m realy puzzled . It was mee sitting down giving my full concentration to you....while you took 1-2 minutes to even reply or look at the conversation. I’m really sad and pain to see I’m not your first.Tomorrow my form 6 starts and it hurts me so much facebook and tumblr got a better attention than me. Remember when you said the word 'leave' is included in the word 'Happen' found in the sentence 'Even if whatever happen I must be happy'? The word leaving is never found in my dictionary and now I’m feeling super duper insecure. How on earth can I even be happy? I'm really not sure if you know how important you are to me.
You were sick that night. I was confused to make a decision either to ask you to sleep or to continue webbie with me.Babe, you’re sick and you know how much I was worried and wanted you to cure. You too don’t even know how BADLY I wanted you to stay. I musn’t be selfish just to see you and make u suffer . I cant MAKE A DECISION AT ALL. It was so hard for me. I left the choice for you to make and you’ve gotten so mad about it. I really felt myself totally useless. It hurt to much to see ‘ If you ask me to make decision i’m gonna off that’s all’ . Do you even know how much I love you ? I really cant describe the pain. You’ve gotta be in my shoes to really feel it. Its even worst you just said a word goodnight and went off. I didn’t even have a chance to even said the word GOOOODNIGHT to the person I love so much. I’m just the worst husband I know. I felt totally useless and went to bed right away. I guess the best cure for sadness is always get to the bed , listen to songs and just cry all you want. I’m not gonna tell you how long I cried but I was really in deep pain. Really pain.Its useless for me to live and make you sad . How I wished that night I was the japanese tsunami victim. I want to live with you forever but I just cant be giving you trouble forever. I don’t mind to just die and by an angel by your side forever and see you happy with anyone whom you’re happy with. My only wish in life is to see you happy with the person you love and contented with what you’d get from life. Love isn’t about having. Its about feeling and care for her. As long the person you love is happy , you’ll automatically be happy too. Slept at 3 am trying to be happy but I just couldn’t. Woke up at 9.30 with my eyes red while texting my morning message to you. Mum asked why and I just said i rubbed it . Brushed my teeth and ate a cream puff with milk. Get into the room and lifelessly waiting for your reply. I just couldn’t get you off my mind even for a second. I kept texting randomly and aimlessly knowing you’re asleep. Explaining things which cannot be undone but yet I’m trying. Texted you and hoping you’d be okay, but I feel a sense of dull sensation to me . I felt your love for me is dying apart.... I could do nothing. I’m very very sorry. Its just my fault. Went to Terminal hoping to find a new screen protector, and got an unexpected call. So i called back as I’ve missed it. I could hear your beautiful but sad voice. No choice, I made you sad what can I expect? Things never happened? Asked me to search for a pouch and quickly i went searching on my own. Found it but I’m afraid about the size. I was so unsure but then I thought I MUST buy anything as a gift of apology. If its not the size i’m gonna get you another . Quantity and price is not a matter. Its your love and happiness I wanted. Drove all the way to your working area and passed to you. You’re not smiling at all. Till you asked how much and I said don’t need and left, I at last saw a little bit of your smile. Got home and logged in your profile...I saw carrie’s posted a video to your wall. It hurts me when I played it . Title – Just an old boyfriend. It makes me feel so useless even carrie now doesn’t support me. I must be a bad husband after all.It was such a relief after hearing you said Carrie didn't post that video cause of me. How I wish we’d in school. I don’t mind waking up early. I don’t mind studying and carry tonnes of books. As long I get to see you everyday I’m satisfied already. Your words are really powerful. You asked me to dream of you tonight, and the dream totally went wild. I’m missing your smile, your laughs, your kiss and your lovely cheeks and hand. I want to hold them forever and never let go. Not just one hand but 2 hands so no others can take you away at all. I really promise you my heart forever and ever <3 I don’t know what screw up has gotten into me. I’m getting very jealous easily. I wish i could control you but I’m afraid I’d lose you that way. The moment I heard you’ve got steamboat with your friends, I felt sad but I couldn’t say a word. You’ve got to have your freedom and fun. But deep in me , i feel I’m being selfish. I don’t want to share you with anyone. Whats worst that the gang has only 2-3 girls? How could I ever be not worried? You know how much I don’t trust guys. I don’t even want people to stare at you. Guess I’m over-loving you already. I pray everyday not for myself to be rich and enjoy life but just to have your heart secured with mine. Its my first time seeing the word 'Hate' from you after such a long time being with you. Truly my saddest night... I was really speechless. Slept at 3 am after finishing reading back the messages and weeping myself on the bed. I was really thankful her call manage to subside things up. I was dumb enough to listened to you to tell my mum after my college starts. I should have told earlier and the word 'hate' would arise in my life. . I wanted you to be happy till I tried just too hard. Perhaps I should stop caring too much and let fate decide. I’ve said this many times but I’m just too afraid fate will fail on me. I just cant take the risk at all losing you. If only i could take my heart out and put in back in safely I’d show just how much I love you.
Went your house for the second time and I had my sweetest breakfast of my life having fed by you with noodles in your lips. . Had our lovely walk to Nene’s for our lunch and met your mum the first time . Fetched me to MBO was a really anxious moment. It couldn't be more anxious than to take my SPM result the next day. Got your morning message again which drives me the whole day. Went to school at 10 only to find the gate open at 12. Hanged out at MBO with classmates and texting you. Texting you is like my daily essential need. To my surprise we had our lovely meetings in Old Town . Anxiously wanting I texted 15888 to get my result. Ran to school to get my slip and got home excitedly waiting to go jusco to meet you that night. I just don’t know why I’m so happy when I’m about to meet you. I just love you and miss you so damn much I cant live a day without you. Got to jusco aimlessly walking around for an hour till I got myself a place to stay on- Jusco CD RAMA. Stood there watching alice in wonderland while waiting for you. The moment I saw you I was really in my wonderland. How I actually wished I could hold your hand and walk all the way to manhattan. Just too bad we’re not official and I’ve gotta understand you. Had our fish and chips of Dory and Neil perch . Shared an orea kaboom and seafood chowder. Straight headed for our show Big Momma 3. Had our lovely kit kat sharing and happy moments. I just cant figure out why but I’m just happy myself to see you laughing and happy. Maybe its because I just truly love you and wanted you to have the best. Just as long you’re happy I am too. Love is really unpredictable and lovely. Finished our movies at 10.30 and headed out. Called my dad and i was like F.K . Why is here waiting there?! I was so bloody sad and worried about you. True enough I gave a bad impression that day to your parents. This time I’m not going out UNLESS IF i can fetch you home. I screwed that night very badly. The word Mass communication never gets out of my mind.I’ll just have to keep it in me and not say a word. The only person I could turn to now is just this letter hoping it’ll share my suffering. I really cant sleep and think whenever I see mass communication. I cant drive well , i cant eat well, I cant sleep well.Drove out to school just to find your messages ‘Im gonna find part time jobs in another tuition centre’ .I’m just really really FFREAKING SAD . SERIOUSLY. I can say no words at all. YOU KNOW HOW I CARE FOR YOU . YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I NEEDED YOU SO BADLY. EVEN NOW YOU’RE WORKING FROM 1-7 I’M DYING AT HOME. DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT? YOU KNOW THAT I CARED FOR YOUR TIREDNESS AND WANTING YOU TO REST SO MUCH. YOU JUST WANTED TO SEEE ME SAD BY INJURING YOURSELF . WORKING FROM 7.30AM to 7PM? I just cant eat my lunch, cant do anything. I’m freaking lifeless now. Seriously. I thought you said you miss me. I thought you said you need me. 7pm you get home and bath and facebook is just nice. I know. We don’t need to webbie anymore. I thought that's the end of us already. No communication at all. I lived my life a lie again that day. Pretending to be happy for you to get the job. I must understand you wanted to work. I must understand you wanted it. I cannot control you. Sorry babe for being very demanding but you're gotta have your own point of view and decision. I was in KL and I had my sleepless night there. Came back from KL and off for lunch. My heart beats every moment for you. My mind really cant imagine you suffering from morning till night if the tadika called. I really don’t know what to say or to tell you. How i wish you could understand me. Just too bad I’ll suffer my own better than to tell and both of us are sad. Went to Malacca that night. Driving in the rain really depress me further. I cant stop thinking about you all the way. Reached there and texted u asap. Went for dinner and got home. I’m surprised first time in my life you never wanted to online and tired . Went off to bed at 12 and I became lifeless once again. I really couldn’t sleep till its 3 am. Woke up at 8 with my eyes wide opened looking out the window. And screw me for bringing up that fucking subject again. I was just hoping you understood after talking about it so many time. Its just like you wanted it so badly. Just go then. I don’t wanna say anymore. I’m very sure of myself. My heart just died this afternoon when you said you’ve no mood talking to me over the matter of that tadika job.I’ll just care about your safety and health. Nothing else. Drove back to Seremban and took my nap. Had a nice weebie that night.I was really thankful when you decided to decline thier offer. It was a big relief to me. Thought you like to disturb my wall so I started wall posting you. Well I’m not surprised you deleted it being afraid of others to know.
Not to forget the good news of the confession. I was really overjoyed and I’ve gained permission from your mum. Its all left to my mum now. Confessed to my mum on the 29th of march . Mum wasnot shocked at all as she expected this already. She didn’t wanna say yes or no . She’s just afraid we’d find someone better when we’re in college. Well I’m very sure I Wont leave you cause I’m sure of my heart. Too bad I just cant tell that to my mum or she would have suspected us doing something bad. Had a nice time hearing to your voice while explaining what I told my mum and what her reply was. Packed your form 6 books after a decision from mum that I'm not going to Form 6.I just cant let go anything of you. Even book with your names gets me so happy and I need them. At least I can keep that lovely orange book which you used most. I was never been able to drive on my own due to my mum's control action. She tied me down so badly and FINALLY I could go out on a date with you. ALONE . Under some obligation I have to go to UNIKL. Anyway, its worth isnt it to see that perfect smile on your face? Anyway when I was at popular when you were gonna show me your chan wa friends , little did I feel jealous. I was wondering why its not me the one in the same school with you. Why didn’t I like you earlier. Then I flashed back seeing your friend who took picture with you during steamboat was also an optician. My mind starts to wonder wild but I don’t wanna spoil the day but to just keep it to myself. I know I’m jealous but there are other things to consider – promises to understand you and nothing I can do to change it . Until we finished our lovely movie and went dailyfresh then I took the guts to ask if you worked with him. Although you didn’t say yes but your sentence “oh, someone jealous already la” is already a yes to me. Too bad I’m not 1991. Just to bad I’m not in chan wa. Too bad again its the past. Anyway, other than that I really enjoyed my time with you. It was really happy to meet your mum again and at least talked a little. A good start afterall. We finally became official to all of our friends. No more secrets or lies. I’m less afraid now of you being in university as you’re now fully mine. Alots of comments and likes makes me even happier lots of people is happy with us together. Basically its a fact because we are perfect. My first post of a finally <3 to you came true. I wanted you to be mine very badly. Very deeply. I enjoyed so much I have my nap. Till the afternoon when your ex gave a ‘???’ expression. I was abit sad but in the end i thought to myself there’s nothing to be sad about. He didn’t cherished you the way you should be cherished. Its his lost. The duties are passed on to me now. I would treat you much better than what he treated. I promised you and I will try my best . <3 At times I want to fetch you to work so badly.Just totally screw my life. I cant fetch you to work. Just screw my age for not being able to drive alone. Just screw my parents they’re not rich enough to get me a car specially to pick you up. I was hurt when you dont want to talk to me. I’m afraid I’m failing to make you happy. I’m making myself losing you. I’m such a terrible person losing the person I love most. I dropped all my pride and ego. I dropped everything just to keep you happy. I’ll tolerate every madness of yours. I’ll not show a sign of disappointment at all. I’ll not say a word. I’ll just sit and admit what mistakes I’ve done non stop to you. I just dislike the word ‘whatever’. It just keep me strucked with small pins every side of me. The agony of pain is so extreme. I’m so sorry I cant be perfect . I really hope someday somehow you know how deep and badly i wanted to fetch you. I know no words now will explain it. Just hoping someday , one day IF it ever comes you’d know how badly I wanted to be the one bringing you to work everyday. It takes time and guts to tell. I’ve got ample of time but no guts. I’m not a man of myself. But its just mummmy not allowing me. I'm so sorry babe. I know I’m totally nothing compared to other people who’re more independant. I’m sorry I failed to become a man of myself to make my mum trust me. Fail me. Even at night we had a big discussion about it again. Just totally FAIL me I gotta ask my mum. What’s worst is I cant give you the actual answer. We did plan so much but I’m so afraid I’d fail and bring big disappointment to you. I’m really very afraid that night I’d fail you again. All my promises now are down the drain and wasted. Its my fault for not keeping it and I deserve all these payback. Time is my only allies left to fight for your love since promises, words and money have betrayed me . Its just time and me now. Just totally worried. My moments when I fetch you to work was totally awesome especially when I get to hug you and your yummy tongue. Held our hands together finally and walking in jusco. Bought a yoghurt and shared it in the car and it tasted so much sweeter being fed by you.
Once a midnight itself I was heartbroken once again. No more goodnight wall post. No more loving post anymore just because you’re worried about your friend disturbing you. Just to bad bee...I’m not that important over him. Anyway nevermind bee. Just as long love is not lost...I wont care anything. Just the sense of sweetness is gone but our love must not go to waste at all. I’ve lost my sense of sweetness last night. Now it just depends on love and time on its own . <3 We’ve been argueing numerous of times over an outing. I was really hoping you understand is not I want it to be like that. Its just unwanted circumstances keep on coming to us. I cant bare to see you sad but there’s nothing I can do. Well finally I can make it and it took me a great deal with my mum....to take diploma. Just to make you happy. I sacrificing one year for my beloved you. One year is nothing bee...I can even sacrifice a lifetime of myself or even my life just to see that smile on your face. Had a great time with your families but could’ve guessed they’d not like me much. Asked you when I got home and already expected that. I’m just not impressive enough for them. It has been a few nights already without your lovely goodnight post. Well i don’t blame you or me cause I guess you’re pretty busy your own. I still cant forget the moment you told me ‘don’t need goodnight post’ . Till right now I’m so phobia to even start a wallpost to you. Really afraid to have it injure myself again seeing you deleting post or even asking me not to post. There’s been lots of bruises but its totally yours. I’ve gave you my heart and its yours to do what you will. I will never leave you for one thing unless the day you tell me you’re much happier with other guy...that’s the moment I’d let you go off. With my heart taken with you, I’ll never love anyone else again. My heart skipped a beat when I saw your messages leaving to penang. I was sad but yet I have to understand you. I musnt be selfish as I've said before. I took a try job at the muffin house that day weekend. Got my job call on Thursday requesting me to work on Friday. I knew its my last day on Friday so I requested him to put it to Saturday. I had a hard time thinking bout myself working. Not because of the hardship but the times I’m gonna miss you. My life’s getting really terrible. Form 6, work, arguements. Its only you that kept me living staying strong. The times I argued with you, I really felt like dying. I’ve lost almost all and if you I’m gonna lose, I’m lost already and nothing is left or worth living for. Had a shoping with you for your USM preparations. I felt myself really not good enough. You’re in the best University in Malaysia and I’m just no where. I’m not sure if I’m jealous or even feeling myself not good enough for you. I’m so afraid you’d find so many other smarter people who have a brighter future or even not wanting you to go anywhere at all. Everytime I hear the word university or leaving for studies I felt the cold shiver from top to toe. Even right now I cant even take care of my own University problems. I’m a total fail. Its just my feeling deep down I cant describe it. I only can feel it hard but no words can utter that pain/worriness/ sadness/tears . Even I don’t know which category is it in. I want to be a responsible man to support you well. Not yourself being the one to support me in the future. IF i get into F6, I’d try my very effing best to get 4 flat. Only the 4 flat and you got accepted this shows how great and talented you are. I’m afraid myself not being able to get into USM and Lower standard than you to some other Universities. Being at the first day at work, I was already sad when I said 'I’d kill anyone who marries you other than me' and your reply was 'you'd go to jail then'. I was hoping to get an assurance like ' Dont worry you wont kill anyone ' . I was working while dreaming how my future would turn out to be. With or without you .
The day you left to penang was really an unexpected incident. The worst incident I never thought I’d lived to see one- Watching you leave. My heart aches every step you took to the departure hall. I stood there for 30 seconds hoping you’d at least turn back to wave or even give your last smile. I was so hurt seeing you walking happily inside without giving a glance behind at ALL. I was waiting and hoping to watch you to AT least give me a goodbye wave. But I got none. Walked back to the car feeling so empty and I cant feel anything. Not the wind, not the chill but total world of no feelings at all. I texted you as quickly as possible but your phone was turned off. Its barely 3 minutes since you walked in without looking back at all and now I cant even have my chance to say my last sentence of ‘I love you’, sentence of care, sentence of my worriness for you, sentence of missing you so badly before leaving. Seriously I hate my life so badly. I was gonna tear so badly but I resisted and told myself, be like the other guys. Be happy seeing them leave. But I just totally cant...I diverged my mind to something else like cars , sky , computers and every random things i can think off . I felt myself being the most useless person where I cant EVEN get your last attention to look back just ONCE . Just too bad you just walked in without looking back lurking into the crowd happily. I gave myself hope every second telling myself, she’d look back. She’d look back. She loves me alot. She will at least try to look back. But I just gave myself false hope. Even my last message of I love you and things you should do to take care of yourself, things you should eat, things you should avoid, things you’ve to be cautious off before leaving was just to freaking late. I came home and got to my bed, I teared instantly. Looking out at the horizon hoping to see a plane passingby at 7.05 am and watching the sunrise together with you. I just totally failed badly today. I just don’t know why I’d teared for something missing just a day, but I did. I’m so lost the whole day didn’t know what would happen to you being there ALONE. Stranger to the parents , how they’d treat you. I dare not think any further. Tears is my best allies to get me to deep sleep. Slept for almost 10 hours and yet I woke up feeling sad INSTANTLY when I opened my eyes. My life sucks totally. I’m just jealous the crowds and community and getting you. Today was just a trial- a one day trip. And I’m already like this. I dare not predict or think what I’d become if you’d to really leave in the next coming 3 months. My heart is so unstable and so is my mind. I’ve totally lost my sense of direction totally. Only a one day trip I’m like this what more worst can it get if the real 3 years were to come. Better not think, don’t wanna think either.
Everytime an arguements arise I feel so depressed to the core. As always my promises we always a fail. . I was hoping you know HOW much I love you and would want to be alone with you. Wanting for every second of my life....but even you put the blame on me. All my broken promises are on me. I really lost 90% of my hope of living. I just don’t feel like living anymore if I’d to make you sad. I rather be a wandering spirit staying by your side to protect you and watch you being much happier everyday. We’d be both happier that way I’m pretty sure. I feel like I’m losing you and you just don’t understand me either. I was really hoping you’d be the last person on the earth to not understand me. But you just didn’t understand me like how my parents had to me. I really still cant get over your sentence in our previous arguement...”leave me alone, don’t text me anymore”. The pain and scar is still deep down in me . But it just have to get deeper with 'Ignore me, just dont care about me' You’re the only reason left to keep myself living. I put everyone above you. Everytime I argue with you, I really felt like dying. The last person I am living for is also hating me, ignoring me, angry at me. You just wont know how badly I want to go college. How badly I need to leave house. But last time even you was being mad at me taking Form 6. Its not my decision. How I WISHED DEEP DOWN I WANT ED TOO. I’m really hoping you’d understand me and THAT’s all I need to keep living. If even you don’t understand me...Then I really got nothing to say or do. Its not I Dont want to spend time with you. Its not I don’t want to send you to work. I’m just choiceless at the moment. Life so cruel on me and I’m hoping ONLY on you to make it lovely ( NEVER ONCE ,CAUSE MY LIFE WAS NEVER LOVELY BEFORE I MET YOU)
Its my last week of holiday before the commencement of Form 6. Had our almost weekly arguements. But I really didn’t expect it to be a hatred to me. I’m really very sorry. I know its my mistake. Its almost starting of F6 and I couldn’t even be with you. I’m such a failure bee..I really am. Life’s been really hard on us I know. I’m so afraid of even losing sight of you. I just don’t know why I love you so much. I needed you every seconds of my life. Love conquered me wholly right now and all i know I want you for myself. Even life failed on me . Seriously I’m becoming more and more afraid to lose you. I’m on the verge of losing control of myself every minute. I want every moments of you to myself. I just could utter words to tell or explain how much I miss you. How much I sincerely love you. Each time I thought of you in University my minds starts thinking of you communicating with guys. I start worrying guys falling for you. Right now I’m just telling you ‘I trust you’ just to prevent any arguements. But deep down me I’m worried but at the same time I trust you. I’m so scared to dream or to hear you walking side by side with guys ANYWHERE regardless to the canteen or to the class. Life sucks on me totally. What more when you chose Mass communication where these guys SURELY communicate with you. I’m aching so badly everyday thinking of it. Sometime I tell myself ‘if she would want to choose other guys, just let it go...no big deal. Why Kevin can I cannot? Numerous times I thought of it but I cant do it...I really cant execute that action.
