So long hoping, dreaming and wishing life would turn around. It just kept going straight and finally reached its destination. Its now just too late already. Its been late ever since you paid the registration fee's. I've been so dumb yet so selfish pestering you over this matter knowingly its impossible to change . Today morning, 23rd July , its my first time sitting alone with you going further and further away from me. After our last breakfast and got into the car... I teared while the radio was playing the song - I need a doctor. I felt im really in need of one. I am sad , Im really sad. I didn't wanna tell you anything. Its impossible to change anything now or neither would you choose to change. The scholarship award would mean so much to you next month. Its something which comes only once a lifetime. It'll make your family proud. Just dont change anything because of me. I've been very sad since June 15 4.30p.m but i've kept it all along. I've been wondering all month long, of all ~10 thousand people...why do thy have to steal you away from me. I know this matter would cause us arguments. I kept to myself, make myself sad would be a much more decent thing to do than to cause so many people to be sad. I rather sacrifice my tears and pain , than to see your parents, friends and even families to miss you so much or even think you changed last minute for a reason. Everytime i log in your facebook, each person I see you telling them you're going to Taylor's I'm being poked by a needle and left in there to clot and remain forever. There's just so many things running through my mind everyday .... almost every hour. My mind just cant keep taylors away. Im sorry if this hurt you but I swear i tried to forget it...but i cant. I just dont know why I'm not sad for any University....but just Taylors. I felt a really big impact on me. Even i dont know the reason why but im just sad to even know you're going taylors. Right now its not going anymore, you're now there. Everyday my classmate have been mocking me...just everyday. I felt sad.. I felt i just dont want to go school anymore. It hurts me each time they said about Taylors and relating it to you just kills me. Remember I told you about logging in facebook less? The main reason is just that.... I REALLY REALLY CANNNOT just GO YOUR profile EVERYDAY and seeeing your education to Taylors Lakeside Campus. Im sorry I'm a failure but i really cannot bare. Its my 3rd Cup of coffee now. I'm just like living half a life, watching people passingby, watching them watching me. Sitting alone here at the corner looking out the horizon. By 3 later, Pang would surely be singing his new song composed just for me and you. Not to forget also for Taylors. I feel i wannna separate myself from the outer world. From everyone. I wish I could find a place to just sit down and not do anything. Plans for Worldstage, longer time for both of us and everything just didnt work out. Your sentence 'It'll always be taylors and only taylors ' I can never forget it. I know how much you wanted it. That's why I didnt wanna force you to change. I'm telling you all these because I promise to be honest and tell you everything. So I'm being honest at the same time not making you sad. During the orientation there'd surely be an ice breaking session. Get to know new friends there. You'll need them for the next few years or perhaps till old age during the alumni. Dont be pain or sad reading this. Everytime our outing I'm sad..yes very sad. There's just so many things I know you want to buy..but cause of going Taylors you're unable too. If only USM was the choice, you wouldnt have to suffer to not be able to get your hands on those. You could use all the hostel fee's to go shopping. I'm scared...really scared. Each time you go jusco I can see there's alot of things you want but I'm really useless that I cant buy them for you. In Taylors lifestlye there is so...bloody high.. I'm afraid you'd get influenced...you in turn would want to buy stuffs to keep on par with the people there ...rich people there who likes you can easily give 10 of what you wanted... but there's nothing I can do. I'm not rich like them. I'm eating my twiggies now with coffee. I feel that eating really cures my depression. Not to forget Linkin Park has been my company for depression every evening till night before our skype time. Their song really makes me feel better at least blasting it for 2 hours plus . I've been having frequent headaches out of depression. I told you before I think that I felt all kind of mixed feeling. Torn apart, lonely, happy , sad, unwanted, loved. Most of the time during Vsam's class I'd just go staring blankly into the air or staring the book. I've some imagintion problem in my opinion. My imagination went so far and wild. I dreamt that I was in KL walking, I saw you with a guy holding hands. I texted you and asked where are you, and your reply was in the library. My heart really shattered. I followed both of you around and I decided to find a food stall wrote down the password on the piece of paper and left. Texted you to come over to take it. I woke up crying on the bed unable to sleep. Everynight I've been crying...everynight i've been staring at u during skype. I tried to keep my sadness. I really dont want to hurt you. You're really a good girl and you seriously deserve the best. Im sorry i cant be the best for you. Every check-ins on taylors I see just made me feel pain. I dare not think what monday awaits me. Mockers would come putting salt to my wound and I'd just have to sit and keep quiet. I've been the best at faking smiles though...Just that I've to try harder since wound is now bigger and more salts are on it . Im sorry Im so selfish...I didnt want you to get the best....but finally we made it through the sadness and luckily you omitted my selfishness and didnt change. Let me suffer alone as long I get to see that perfect smile happy with what you decided. Texted you all the way, and you're there finally. Enjoy your life in Taylors and read what I'm writing as a storybook. Its just a fairytale. REMEMBER TO BE HONEST AND TELL ME SINCERELY. I'll be alright. Just do not hide your feelings from me. I want truths .... just real truth. This blog will stay as it is after this post. Thank you in advance for the love and support you've given me all these while. Not to forget the accompany and happiness from you. <3
-Signed Out: Iwan Chong at 10.24a.m @ McDonald Tesco Seremban.
